i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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