Midget sex pt 2 tonight
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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