there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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