So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
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You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
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