But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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