I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
