Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
