I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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