Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
