where am i from again
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
