Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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