Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
