SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
