I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
