you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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