I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
