tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
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