WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
