i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
