everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
