his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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