I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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