when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
