if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize