before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
