omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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