It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is not my ceiling
he thought i was a dude.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
