I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
