dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
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WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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