uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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