where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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