need another drink. this is the easiest way
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
false alarm, still single
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
