my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
