We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
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