I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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