i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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