I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
