either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
