cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
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they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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