I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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