I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
