We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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