Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
