come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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