better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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