new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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