if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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