you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear