You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
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