I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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