I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high