I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
