Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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