i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
