I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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