i think my tv is drunk
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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