he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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